Living with a boulder on my heart

That’s what it feels like. This crushing weight I have to carry around all the time. My Bertie pain. My “I’m not a mum, but I am, but I’m not…but I should be” pain. My failure to make it right pain. Instead of a rainbow pregnancy lightening the weight, my lack of one is an added burden.  Not that that would make it right even…but it’s the only thing that will make it better. I still want to be a mum, that's the bottom line. And in my heart, I am, just not in practice.  And maybe, just maybe, if I can be again, I will feel happy.

It’s constant…buzzing round my head. “Stop thinking about it” they say. How on Earth am I supposed to do that? How do you ignore a wasp in your ear? How do you ignore a big old boulder crushing what is left of your fragile heart?  There’s no let up, no escape, ever.

“Try to relax and it will happen” they say.  Believe me, I have tried, Oh I have tried, so hard. I have an arsenal of self help tools to try and keep me going. I’ve done counselling, CBT, relaxation, acupuncture, yoga, writing, reading, praying. Now what? I can give myself a pep talk every day, I can try to dredge up that positive thinking, again and again. It doesn’t make the boulder any lighter though; it doesn’t actually work, does it?

"Concentrate on the things you do have" I am counting my blessings. I have a home and a husband, a loving family and a job.  I am reasonably healthy (apart from the one area that matters to me!) But, I need more from life than this-it isn't enough. I don't want fame or fortune. I don't want a mansion or a sports car, big holidays, to be the boss or have lots of things. I only want a family of my own, to love and take care of, to see grow up and live their own life. Apparantly that is too much to ask for.  And I just feel sad. So sad. All the time. For so long now.  And it isn’t fair! I am a good person, and I deserve better than this. I deserve a life worth living.

Don't I?