"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday, 19 January 2013

It has been too long.

And here I am, in meltdown again. It started with a prayer. Thanks for my new cat and the happiness she is bringing me....but, you know, it isn't enough. She is wonderful, yet she is the consolation prize. We both know there's only one reason I adopted her.  You know the desire of my heart. You know what I need.  So many people are asking, and yet......too long. It's been too long now.  Why is it not my time? Why wasn't it Bertie's time? How much longer do I have to feel this pain? How many more times do I have to congratulate somebody else and choke back my tears?

We live in a broken world, and life is not fair. And yet, they say "let go and let God". They tell me You have a plan. But they also say bad stuff happens and it isn't down to You, it's becuase the world is broken.  What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to believe?  All I know is, I feel sad and broken and lonely.   Nobody knows how to help me. Nobody can answer my questions.   So I pick myself up and carry on.  I pet my cat and I get on with life. I cope for another week, and then it hits again, right between the eyes. Too long. Enough now. I'm a good person. i'm not perfect, i'm human. I deserve more than this, don't I? Please. Please. Please.

Bargaining. One of the stages of grief. But what am I grieving for now? My son, or my fading hopes?


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