"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Facing my fears

So at the moment at church, we are working through the book of James. It's a great little book, full of useful, but quite hard hitting, advice for Christians.  Today was about, broadly, not holding prejudices against certain people or groups, not to favor one person, or group of people, over another.  We were given some time after the sermon to reflect on whether there are certain people, or groups in our life who we do fall short with, who we do avoid, or treat differently, or feel prejudice towards. What came to me was mothers and young children.

For 16 months, I have avoided, as much as possible, all pregnant women, mums with new babies, and even those with toddlers. For my own sanity and protection, I've had to.  I didn't want to know, or see what I am missing, what I should have and don't.....what I am still desperate for, and am not getting.  Why upset myself by exposing myself to it all?  But, today, I really feel like this has to change. I am questionning why I feel I need to do this, still....is it for my own protection, or has it become a habit? 

A colleague went on mat leave last week, and I have caught myself planning ahead to how I will react when she brings the baby in to meet us all...how I can politely slip away without causing a scene...well, actually, why can't I just meet the baby with everyone else? Whether or not I do, won't change my situation will it? This baby is not Bertie, nor is it my rainbow. What's so hard about saying "congratulations, isn't he/she so beautiful?" and just holding back my own feelings for a while? I think I could do it now. I think I need to do it now.

I'll start by reconnecting with some old friends who I have drifted away from becuase they have what I don't. I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to do it.  I am worried that if I continue to avoid all people with young children, I will soon run out of friends! It can't be good for me to continue to try and pretend the world doesn't contain babies. Maybe this is what has been holding me back from my own? Maybe this is the point I needed to reach before I could be ready to carry another child? I don't know.  But I do know, It's time to face my fears.  It won't be easy, I can't just turn off my feelings of jealousy, sadness, hope and loss, but I will try to put them aside and embrace other peoples' happiness.  God help me.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sarah,

    I can totally get where you're coming from here. It's a real sticky place to be.

    Talking from my own personal experience, I 'thought' I had to fulfill the expectations I supposed other's had. ( Sometimes these where there and other times it was just my own stuff). What I began to learn though through experience was that I needed to put my needs and what I could deal with first and if that meant not being involved in certain gatherings etc I would just hold back. It felt uncomfortable at first but became easier and easier to protect myself and be guilt free. It's a lesson that came at a huge price but I value it. Before I was always putting my comfort to the side to make other's feel comfortable and now this has changed to some extent.
    I know you are unique and have your own experience but thought it might help to hear the way of approaching this from someone in your group.

    Also you can feel jealousy, sadness at the same time as happiness for other's (albiet somewhat diluted).

    Lastly if friends are worth your energy they will wait until you are ready and understand as best as they can.