"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 3 March 2013

A second Mothers' Day

I am so glad they were right. All the mummies on the road before me, who told me that the first year is the worst- once you are through all those milestones, the second time is not so bad. Here I am approaching my second mothers' day without my son, and it isn't nearly so bad as last year.  Of course, last year was a double whammy because it fell on the date he would have been six months old...but even if the date were the same this year I think I'd still find it far less acutely painful.

We still have a week to go, and I am not kidding myself.  I expect on the day itself there will be pain in my heart.  There will be tears, there will be an acute sense of his absence, there will definitely be avoidance of a certain social networking site....but at least I haven't had the weeks of terrible build up that I had to endure last year. At least I haven't felt afraid to walk through town, as if every shop window and every advert is there purely to remind me of what I lost. To be honest I have barely noticed it...and I very much doubt there is any less marketing, so the change must be in me.  I even bought two mothers' day cards without even thinking about it until I got home and thought..wow...I just did that!

For those advocates of "time heals"- reading this, nodding sagely and thinking "I told her so"...no, you didn't. I am not, and never will be, healed. It is not, and never will be ok that my son is not here. These milestones are, and always will be extremely hard. Time has given me experience- I've been here before, and developed a thicker skin. A baby's cry no longer tears me apart, but it does give me a little jab, adverts for flowers, and cards, and mothers' day gifts don't stomp on my heart but do make me sad....I've learned self defense against my own emotions and against the great marketing machine we live amongst.

And, even though the promise I made myself last mothers' day (that even if I wasn't holding my rainbow this year, I'd at least be pregnant) has not come to fruition...I am kinda/sorta/almost.....ok with that too.   Maybe Bertie's gift to me this year is peace.

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