Wouldn't it be great if God sent emails? I mean, to open your inbox to find, there in black and white, an answer to your prayers: "this is what I'm up to in your life, and here's why:" Of course, it doesn't work that way...but this week I did get an answer, of sorts.
Church this week was about healing- and praying for healing. Of course, I do have some issues with this, I prayed for healing for Bertie, and we know how that ended...but I tried to keep an open heart and mind and listened. I found a lot of the sermon helpful, and afterwards there was an opportunity to go up and ask for prayer for healing. I took it. (You have to understand, this was not done in an American TV evangelist "I am filled with the holy spirit and healed", whilst thrashing around on the floor kind of way, but more of a reserved, British, come to the side and whisper the problem and I will pray for you way) So, I took the opportunity. Not something I would normally do, but I have been feeling so desperate, so apart from God these last few weeks, I thought maybe someone else's prayer for me may be more effective than my own. Anyway, through mounting tears and a closing throat, I managed to get across that I needed prayers for healing of my heart, since I was still struggling so much, 18 months after my son died, and also healing of my body, since we were now struggling to conceive again.
I was prayed over, at length by another member of the congregation (fortunately one who already knew my story so he didn't need to ask too many questions) whist I cried and tried to listen to what he was saying. Hate to disappoint any evangelists out there, but no, I did not fall to the floor and wail, though I may have felt like it on one level.....What happened as I walked away back to my seat was a rising sense of peace. I felt God's love for me more acutely than I have felt it in weeks. Finally, I thought, He's heard, He's answering.
Ok, it is not the answer I want, it is not the email saying "Ok Sarah, this time next month, you'll be pregnant...!" But, it's a start. It's knowing that my prayers are being heard, and a feeling that God is working out my future, it's feeling safer, more at ease about everything.
I am trying to follow the example of the patient farmer, hidden deep in one of the gospels. The farmer waits patiently through winter, seeing no evidence that his crop is growing at all....but he waits patiently knowing that amazing changes are happening beneath the soil that he can't see....and he knows that if he just waits for spring, he will begin to see shoots grow. So, I am now living in hope that although it is currently still winter in my life, perhaps healing is happening that I am not aware of, and even yet, spring is on it's way. Perfect timing to keep me hoping as our storm continues to rage and we begin our new journey towards our rainbow.