"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Buying myself daffodils

So tomorrow is Mothers' day, here we are. I thought it was all going a bit too well, the meltdown came today.  It's partly hormone driven, as my body decided to mock me by choosing today to dash my hopes for another cycle, but it's mostly that I miss him, oh so much. And it hurts like hell.

Tescos today (probably not a good idea, but we were literally out of milk) and everybody is clutching flowers.  Another painful reminder that again, I won't be getting mine, becuase I don't have my son with me. I don't have my son with me and I am not pregnant either. And my head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body hurts. My heart is broken, my ovaries are broken. My faith is cracking.

Continuing with my God on mute work, I've been talking to Him a lot this week. Asking him to align my will with His. If He doesn't want me to be a mum, please then, please alter my heart so I don't want it so much either? It hurts so much and I don't know how much more I can take.  Silence.

So many new mummies this year, so many celebrating their first mothers' day with rainbow babies, not me. A second empty, childless day for me.  I bought myself some daffodils, because I am a mummy too.  I like to think Bertie made sure I saw them, and nudged me to buy them. Maybe he thought the bright yellow would lift my spirits. But I look at them and cry.  I miss him so much.  And I wonder, will I have to buy my own daffodils forever?

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