"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Have I survived this?

"If I can survive this, I can survive anything" Something I have said often in the last 21 months, but at what point can I say I have actually survived?  Ok, I am physically alive, I am here, I am functioning.  But, the woman I was....she hasn't survived.  I'd like to say that I'm like a phoenix rising from the ashes with new life and new hope....but I am not.  I am spiritually and emotionally, broken.  I am living a half-life.  I am not fulfilled, I am not happy.  I often wonder, will I yet die young, of a broken heart?  I often wonder, is this it? Because this life is not worth living.  Don't worry, I am not in the dark place I was, and would not act on these thoughts, but I have to acknowledge that they are still there.

So, how can I claim to have survived? Does anybody really survive this? Or do we all just plough on and make the best of what is left to us?  My grandma died young, before I was born.  Medically, because of cancer....but she lost her eldest daughter.....my mum tells me grandma never got over it, and believes she in a sense died of a broken heart.  I can believe that.  I am not sure that I would fight actually, to stay here.  I am not sure that I would cling desperately to life...to this life.  I truly hope that when, if, I am blessed with a family again, I will feel differently. That I will have a drive for life again, and will start to really enjoy being alive.  Maybe then I will truly say "I survived".

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