"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

The bubble burst

It is with a sigh, and a degree of inevitability that I must tell you that my bubble has burst. We met one of those pesky snakes.  You know the one that's horizontal...so it sends you back the few squares that you just moved forwards, but at least it didn't go down a whole row.  Frustrating to say the least.  What a waste of that double six!!

And I am angry. So angry. We have waited so long, been through so much, to finally get the precious prescription, that beacon of hope, that "this is it" feeling- to be told, "this didn't work".....talk about anticlimax.  Talk about kick in the teeth. Talk about hating my body right now.

Talk about hating this life right now. Still, twenty months on. I hate it. I miss my boy. I miss my life. I miss me.  I hate that the highlight of my week was picturing my son and his friend, coming to say hello in my dreams.  I hate that I laughed, and cried all at once when he did. I hate that I could only imagine that I was holding him.

I hate that I can't make it right.

I hate that my body doesn't work. I hate that I am a childless mother. Still. Forever?

I try to stay positive...yep, that old chestnut. Just keep going, you're further along the road than you were, it will happen soon. Soon? That's what they said a year ago, six months ago, yesterday....it hasn't though has it? 

God's timing is perfect huh? Well if His timing is perfect, why can't He help me to cope with the wait? If it really is perfect for me to watch people announce pregnancies, have their babies, and now...return from maternity leave, whilst I still struggle on.....if that really is perfect timing, then why does it hurt so very much?   Why do I have to decide if I can cope with certain situations? Why do I have to torture myself in order to see friends?

I've been praying my prayer.....fill me with peace, strengthen my faith, renew my hope.......He did, and the last couple of weeks prove it. But, it doesn't last does it? Something comes along to trip me up, knock me down, set me back a few squares.

The bubble has burst.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so so sorry, Bertie's Mum. You have every right and reason to be angry. Your line "I hate that I can't make it right" really resonates - me too, every day, this is it exactly. I hate that my lovely boy isn't here. I hate that I imagine a dragonfly is a sign from him.