All my Christian friends, community, counselor, everybody really, keep on asking me to trust God. Because God is good and He has a plan. Right? As you know I am struggling with this. I did trust Him. I put my faith in Him, I prayed, then I begged, then I pleaded, then I wailed......and I trusted some more.....and my baby son died in my arms. So how can I trust Him now?
I realised something today, on the long car journey home from our holiday, I am looking at trusting God in the wrong way. I cannot trust Him to make everything OK, because He won't, He didn't. It doesn't work that way evidently. He is not going to spare me from past or future pain no matter how much I trust Him to do it. What I can trust him to do is hold me and protect me through whatever storms I have to face.
It was my cat who taught me this lesson. She hates the car. Really hates it, she's scared, she doesn't understand what is happening to her, how long it will last or what is waiting at the end of the ride. I look at her with sadness and frustration that I can't make her understand that I would never hurt her, that she is safe and I will protect her, that, whilst I can't guarentee we won't have an accident, I am pretty sure I will deliver her home safely. Sounds a lot like me and God huh?
The metaphor was made clearer to me as she made herself as small as possible on the back seat, and as I turned around to check on her every two miles or so, she would always either be asleep, or giving me the "how could you do this to me?" look. After a while she tried crying at us, railing against her situation, pleading with us to stop and let her off. Of course, we couldn't do that, she would get lost and probably killed if we did. She didn't know that though. All she knew was fear and helplessness. Until that is, I called her, and she came through to the front seat and sat on my lap. As long as I had a reassuring hand on her neck, she was calm and content. Well how about that? When she learned to rest with me and allow me to reassure her and hold her, she was OK......Now there's a big lesson for me, and I didn't miss it.
So I am going to try. I am going to try to trust God that He will carry me, no matter what. It doesn't make the not understanding or the pain any less though. I still hate this journey I am on, I still don't understand what is happening to me, or why, or how long it is going to go on, or what is waiting for me at the end of the road. I don't know if I will ever be a mother again, or if my worst fears will come true and I will lose another baby. I don't think I could survive that, even in God's care. And that, is so very, very frightening. And the realisation that God won't prevent it, well. I'll let you draw your own conclusion on how that feels.