"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Still searching for the answers

Since losing Robert, I have developed my relationship with God. Weird I know, but, I have.  I guess I took my faith for granted all these years and finally it has been challenged. Shattered, changed, developed....choose your own adjective.   I've had to grow up and make a decision. Do I give up on God? or do I become a "proper Christian". I chose the second path.  That doesn't mean it comes easy though. Far from it. Very far from it.  It also does not mean that Bertie's death was "for a higher cause".  It means that God has used this tragedy to develop me. So be it. I'd still rather have my son and my naivety.

I question my faith on a daily basis.   Some things I am totally stalwart in.  I believe in heaven, and I believe my son is there. I am grateful for that belief, because without it I don't know how I would have coped up 'til now.  I believe I will meet him there one day. I believe he is happy, becuase I believe there is no sadness in that other place.  I believe he doesn't miss me, because I believe he watches me. Oh but how I wish I could watch him too...

I do not believe in "God's plan".  I cannot believe that my son's death was a part of some devine plan, I don't believe my God is like that. (I also don't believe that anyone who has been through an experience anything close to this would say it is)  I do believe, however, He knew it was coming. And that He chose not to prevent it.....which kinda makes Him responsible anyway no?  And so, I question. Why? why, why, WHY?

Not "why me" per se...but why anybody?   I have spent so much time searching for an answer that actually makes sense.  And I keep coming up empty.  Because there isn't one?  Christian writers, speakers and bloggers generally avoid this subject. It's isn't neat and tidy. It isn't comforting, it isn't a nice little story where as Rob Bell triumphantly puts it "everybody gets saved."   I am learning lots, in my quest. I am partway there. I get the argument that some bad things happen, sometimes we suffer, because we chose independence from God, and He's let us have it.  Lots of terrible, tragic things happen through people's choices, and yep, to prevent them, to force a perfect world where nothing bad happened, would be to remove that choice, that free will.  Forced love isn't real love.  Even if that means allowing murder, cancer as a result of lifestyle choices, and accidents because somebody decided to take that journey on that day.  I can give you that. I can understand that, yep, ok.  But. What about tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanoes? What about the child with leukemia? What about world famine? What about the woman who does everything right in pregnancy, but still loses her baby? What about my baby's death?

None of those things are caused by anybody's choice.  Ok, maybe we could really stretch it and say because we choose not to take care of the planet, tsunamis are caused by global warming...but come on. I dare you to find a choice that causes the others.  I spent a whole lot of time and mental effort getting out of the mindset that Bertie's early birth, and therefore, death were caused by something I had done....my choice, directly or indirectly.  I don't want to go back there, thankyou very much.  I hold enough guilt in my heart. So why?

I am going to disappoint you. I don't know either.  But the difference between me, and a lot of the other writers out there, I won't just put the question on the shelf for later because it's too difficult. I won't tell you I am not going to address that question but look at X, Y or Z instead.

 I will never stop asking.

Did you intend for this to happen?
Was it always part of your plan?
Did you know I was to lose my son
Before his life ever really began?
Is this a lesson that I needed to learn?
Had my life been too easy, was it just my turn,
For sorrow, for heartbreak, for confusion, for doubt?
Did you want me to question you,  do you want me to shout?
Because I will, I do, because I don’t understand
Why this had to happen to my little man!
I try to see the good things that may be yet to come
But I can’t see what they could be, I’ve been struck dumb.
I know that I must trust that in time I will see
Your footprints in the sand, that you’re carrying me
Ever forward on my journey, the reason I’m still here
Despite the madness, despite all the fear
I am grateful for that, that you love me enough,
To keep me believing, though the journey has been rough
I will continue on with faithfulness, and wait for hope to restart
But my hallelujah is broken, just like my heart.

1 comment:

  1. This post brought me to tears because this is literally the hardest thing about grieving my daughter: I'm grieving my simple, happy faith as well, that was all dressed up with doves and olive branches and Jesus was still smiling. You're totally right: if my daughter was murdered, I could blame the murderer. If she'd had a heart attack at 45, I could blame her health or her diet or whatever. But who do you blame for bad DNA? A complete crapshoot of genetics?

    It has been SO HARD to reconcile the God I thought I knew with the God I am experiencing and I have asked myself all the same questions and of course gotten no answers. People try to talk me back into a solid faith, but it isn't something you can be convinced of. It's something you have to work out for yourself. C.S. Lewis said that his faith was a flimsy house of cards if a tragedy could knock it down, but that if it was only a house of cards, maybe it needed knocking down.

    But you're right, it's still not a good reason for losing them. No reason will ever be good enough.