"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Telling people and anxiety dreams

On Thursday we had a second scan.  I was so scared that we were going to be told the baby's heart had stopped beating. I mean, irrationally scared. I had almost convinced myself it was all going to be over. Laying back and watching my husband's face light up told me that my fears were unfounded.   When the doctor turned the screen to me, and Grub gave a little wave, I was overwhelmed. I had forgotten how amazing it is to see your baby wriggling around on the screen! Thank you God!

After that we decided it was time to start telling people beyond our immediate family. I had so much fun at work that afternoon! The reaction has been amazing, everyone who knows the journey we have been on is so thrilled for us! We have had lots of happy tears, goosebumps, and "you've made my day"s :) and of course, lots of prayer now going on for our little family which is even more brilliant. We are so grateful to everyone for the support, we are going to need it!

Yesterday we went to visit Bertie and it just felt like he is so happy that I am pregnant again. I feel no guilt at all which is a relief.  He knows he is and will always be our much loved and missed first-born and he wants us to be happy with another baby. Relief, joy, peace.

Why, then did I wake up in the early hours of this morning from a nightmare? I dreamt that we went for our 12 weeks scan to be told the baby had no heartbeat. It was terrible, it felt so real.  I dreamt I was back at the IVF clinic arranging another appointment to start all over again.  I felt cold, like I just had to move on as quickly as possible or I wasn't going to be able to cope with this.  A split second after waking up I realised it was a dream, wasn't real, and I am still pregnant.  A quick prayer for protection for Grub and I was back asleep. This time peacefully.  I really hope this isn't going to keep on happening.

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