The next chapter

It's 4th January 2016. Today we found out that I'm PREGNANT!!  Clearly we are not about to announce this at 4 weeks or so...but I want to record how I feel in this moment.  In a word:

                                                                  Elated!

In several words: Elated, terrified, excited, scared, happy, sick, faithful, fearful. To be honest, it feels surreal. It's been a rollercoaster 24 hours. Yesterday was our official testing day after our fourth and final frozen embryo cycle. I was too scared to do the test first thing, as we were on duty at church and I did not want to have to face that in a terrible mood. So I took the test at lunchtime...and it was positive, but super faint. Enough to think....maybe? Later that afternoon, the brightest rainbow formed right over our garden. I truly believe it was a message from Bertie celebrating our rainbow pregnancy.  The timing was just too perfect, and it was so vibrant it caught my eye and made me look up from my frantic faint-positive-on-a-pregnancy-test googling!  I snapped a pic but by the time I got the camera outside it had faded a lot.

Anyway, an entirely sleepless night for both of us resulted in a slightly darker positive today-and the clinic said a line is a line- congratulations! So I am now in the process of trying to process this!


Any IVF pregnancy I am told is full of worry. So is any pregnancy after loss. This is both! I have no chance do I? It feels like we've reached the top of the mountain we were climbing just to see there's another one to climb! I am already worried that the line is too light for this stage post transfer, maybe Grub (long story) isn't viable?? But I am trying my best to trust God, He has answered my prayers to get to this point, and only He knows what the outcome will be.  So, I am trying (failing) to simply enjoy the fact, that as of right now, I am pregnant! What a fantastic first thing to put in my gratitude jar for 2016!

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5th Jan 2016

This doesn't feel how I thought it would. After all this time I expected to be bouncing off the walls with this news. And I am so happy, and so grateful...but also extremely reserved. It's as if I'm waiting for the bad news, the bubble to burst.  It doesn't feel real, true, yet. I am half convinced they are false-positives and the next time I take a test it will be negative. That's why I haven't done one this morning.

As I said yesterday, it is as if we've reached the top of one (enourmous!) mountain, only to see a second one looming. But, I have to remember that we have the Most. Amazing. Sherpa with us. And we can give Him all our burdens of anxiety, nervousness and fear. He will carry them, and us, if necessary, up this new mountain. I am actually not bad at giving it all to God....my problem is before long I snatch it all back up again!