I'm 17 weeks today! How did that happen? In all honesty I never thought we'd get this far, and I'm relieved and glad to say we have. It's going very quickly. I thought this would be the longest 9 months of my life, but so far it has gone by in a flash. That's great, and not-so-great at the same time. Whilst I want to fast forward to the day we bring home our healthy rainbow baby, I also want time to stop so that I can stay being pregnant for as long as possible. Because, whilst I am pregnant, the baby is alive, and we are happy.
I am handling this pregnancy much better that I expected though, psychologically I mean. I have only had the one major meltdown as I recorded here, and two dreams about losing the baby. I think that's pretty impressive for 17 weeks! It has of course entered my mind that if things go the same way as last time, I only have 9 weeks left. That is a really scary thought and not one I am letting myself dwell on. Truthfully, I am not living every day in fear of losing the baby, but at the same time, I am unable, so far, so see a day where we actually bring a baby home. I guess I have finally mastered the art of living in the moment- for self preservation if nothing else. I am still taking it a week, even a day at a time and living by my mindset of right now, everything is OK.
We just spent an amazing week in Iceland, made all the more special by Grub giving me a good kick for the first time on Easter Saturday. That evening, we got our first real sight of the northern lights too. Eskimos in Greenland used to believe that the lights were the spirits of dead infants who were dancing in happiness in heaven. I like that a lot. I felt so close to both of my babies that day. We also managed to find and buy Grub's life album. It is a beautiful blank album which we will fill with memories of Grub's life. We did the same foe Bertie- his was bought on holiday in Italy when I was pregnant with him, so it is super special that we found one in Iceland for his little sibling. That is the first thing we have bought for this baby so far. I have just felt no desire at all to buy anything, which is a total contrast to last time, when I had bought the whole of Mothercare by 20 weeks! It isn't just that we already have most things we need, still unused and pristine. It's that I just don't want to buy it. Maybe it's the self preservation thing again. Buying the life album felt OK, because I know that will be used no matter what happens. Bertie's is a record of my pregnacy and his short life, and whilst of course we hope and pray daily that this time the album will be a lot fuller, it still felt OK to buy it as I know no matter what, it will be used and cherished forever.
Wednesday, 30 March 2016
Saturday, 20 February 2016
Mummy's sorry sweetheart.
I almost made it out of the first trimester, but I've just had my first major cry since finding out I am pregnant again. I have that Facebook memories thing set up and apparantly four years ago today I posted "mummy's sorry sweetheart". Bam, instantly I was catapulted back in time and remembering exactly how I was feeling that day. How I still feel, to a much lesser degree. Guilt. Now, I know it wasn't my fault, I know I did everything I could, I know nobody could have foreseen what was to happen. And yet. I was his mummy, he was reliant on me and my body let us both down.
And I am so scared it will happen again. It's the first time I've allowed myself to acknowledge that. Yes, I was super-paranoid about an early loss but since getting over that it's all been researching VBAC vs elective Caesarian...blithely assuming I'll get that far, get that choice.
What if I don't?
What if I DO?
Will bringing this baby home tear open old wounds (literally, or metaphorically?) Will I feel the enormous new guilt of enjoying my new baby whilst knowing that Bertie never made each milestone? Will watching his little sibling grow up make me miss him even more? Is that even possible?
My body is heaving with sobs and my heart aches with missing him. With guilt of letting him down, with wondering: if I knew I had PCOS would I have caved into my craving for haribo starmix so much? Was my blood sugar too high? Did that do it? He wasn't ready to come, he was so high in my womb like he wanted to stay. He should have stayed. If I had then the care I am getting now, would things have been different? Will getting this care now make this time any different? I look four-five months after a big meal already, am I putting on too much weight this time? Am I overeating? Eating the wrong things? People are noticing, asking me is it my first? What do I say to that?
Oh God. Please help me.
And I am so scared it will happen again. It's the first time I've allowed myself to acknowledge that. Yes, I was super-paranoid about an early loss but since getting over that it's all been researching VBAC vs elective Caesarian...blithely assuming I'll get that far, get that choice.
What if I don't?
What if I DO?
Will bringing this baby home tear open old wounds (literally, or metaphorically?) Will I feel the enormous new guilt of enjoying my new baby whilst knowing that Bertie never made each milestone? Will watching his little sibling grow up make me miss him even more? Is that even possible?
My body is heaving with sobs and my heart aches with missing him. With guilt of letting him down, with wondering: if I knew I had PCOS would I have caved into my craving for haribo starmix so much? Was my blood sugar too high? Did that do it? He wasn't ready to come, he was so high in my womb like he wanted to stay. He should have stayed. If I had then the care I am getting now, would things have been different? Will getting this care now make this time any different? I look four-five months after a big meal already, am I putting on too much weight this time? Am I overeating? Eating the wrong things? People are noticing, asking me is it my first? What do I say to that?
Oh God. Please help me.
Sunday, 14 February 2016
Telling people and anxiety dreams
On Thursday we had a second scan. I was so scared that we were going to be told the baby's heart had stopped beating. I mean, irrationally scared. I had almost convinced myself it was all going to be over. Laying back and watching my husband's face light up told me that my fears were unfounded. When the doctor turned the screen to me, and Grub gave a little wave, I was overwhelmed. I had forgotten how amazing it is to see your baby wriggling around on the screen! Thank you God!
After that we decided it was time to start telling people beyond our immediate family. I had so much fun at work that afternoon! The reaction has been amazing, everyone who knows the journey we have been on is so thrilled for us! We have had lots of happy tears, goosebumps, and "you've made my day"s :) and of course, lots of prayer now going on for our little family which is even more brilliant. We are so grateful to everyone for the support, we are going to need it!
Yesterday we went to visit Bertie and it just felt like he is so happy that I am pregnant again. I feel no guilt at all which is a relief. He knows he is and will always be our much loved and missed first-born and he wants us to be happy with another baby. Relief, joy, peace.
Why, then did I wake up in the early hours of this morning from a nightmare? I dreamt that we went for our 12 weeks scan to be told the baby had no heartbeat. It was terrible, it felt so real. I dreamt I was back at the IVF clinic arranging another appointment to start all over again. I felt cold, like I just had to move on as quickly as possible or I wasn't going to be able to cope with this. A split second after waking up I realised it was a dream, wasn't real, and I am still pregnant. A quick prayer for protection for Grub and I was back asleep. This time peacefully. I really hope this isn't going to keep on happening.
After that we decided it was time to start telling people beyond our immediate family. I had so much fun at work that afternoon! The reaction has been amazing, everyone who knows the journey we have been on is so thrilled for us! We have had lots of happy tears, goosebumps, and "you've made my day"s :) and of course, lots of prayer now going on for our little family which is even more brilliant. We are so grateful to everyone for the support, we are going to need it!
Yesterday we went to visit Bertie and it just felt like he is so happy that I am pregnant again. I feel no guilt at all which is a relief. He knows he is and will always be our much loved and missed first-born and he wants us to be happy with another baby. Relief, joy, peace.
Why, then did I wake up in the early hours of this morning from a nightmare? I dreamt that we went for our 12 weeks scan to be told the baby had no heartbeat. It was terrible, it felt so real. I dreamt I was back at the IVF clinic arranging another appointment to start all over again. I felt cold, like I just had to move on as quickly as possible or I wasn't going to be able to cope with this. A split second after waking up I realised it was a dream, wasn't real, and I am still pregnant. A quick prayer for protection for Grub and I was back asleep. This time peacefully. I really hope this isn't going to keep on happening.
I don't belong here...
Yesterday we had our first meeting with out high-risk consultant. She was very reassuring and lovely, and set out a sensible plan for this pregnancy that we are happy with. Great!
Waiting in the waiting room though, I was full of conflicting emotions. The information-gatherer in me wanted to get up and collect every leaflet, read every poster they had on display. I like information. Forewarned is fore-armed. I'm a huge planner! However, at the same time the bereaved mum and infertile woman in me were saying, no, don't read anything. Don't you dare go pick up that leaflet. You don't belong here! This is all going to end soon and don't you let yourself believe it won't.
I didn't pick up or read anything.
I keep thinking, maybe after the next scan, maybe then I'll relax. But, I said that after the first scan. I did relax after the first scan...for about a day!
Waiting in the waiting room though, I was full of conflicting emotions. The information-gatherer in me wanted to get up and collect every leaflet, read every poster they had on display. I like information. Forewarned is fore-armed. I'm a huge planner! However, at the same time the bereaved mum and infertile woman in me were saying, no, don't read anything. Don't you dare go pick up that leaflet. You don't belong here! This is all going to end soon and don't you let yourself believe it won't.
I didn't pick up or read anything.
I keep thinking, maybe after the next scan, maybe then I'll relax. But, I said that after the first scan. I did relax after the first scan...for about a day!
Be still my beating heart.....
...but Grub's please keep beating!
Two days ago on 21st January 2016, we saw little Grub for the first time, and his/her heartbeat was so strong! It's a mixture of elation and relief to see that sight. It feels like an absolute miracle, and a gift form God, who gives all life.
We both feel a great deal more secure about this pregnancy now, whilst knowing that we aren't out of the woods, be do finally believe we have a baby in there! We have both found it so difficult not to tell the world at this point! We have told our immediate families and their reactions were priceless :)
I cannot wait to tell everyone else!
Two days ago on 21st January 2016, we saw little Grub for the first time, and his/her heartbeat was so strong! It's a mixture of elation and relief to see that sight. It feels like an absolute miracle, and a gift form God, who gives all life.
We both feel a great deal more secure about this pregnancy now, whilst knowing that we aren't out of the woods, be do finally believe we have a baby in there! We have both found it so difficult not to tell the world at this point! We have told our immediate families and their reactions were priceless :)
I cannot wait to tell everyone else!
Right now, everything is ok
8th January
I am starting to think booking this week off work was a mistake. I booked it off in anticipation of a negative result and a need to hide from the world for a while. Lovely as it has been to have this time to "chill and relax" (ha ha) it has also given me far too much time to think, Google, and inevitably, worry. I did not expect the anxiety to begin this soon!
"I'll feel alright until about 21 weeks" I thought. Pfft! No dice. So I have summoned a new mantra, to be repeated ad nauseum for as long as is necessary for me to believe it:
Right now, everything is ok.
I've never been any good at all that live in the present, mindfulness stuff. Regular readers will remember I gave it a good go in the depths of my grief, the problem then was I was so miserable in the present that I really did not want to stay there! Now, it's time to give it another try. Because projecting worries about the possible future really isn't going to help me, and will just rob the joy that I can potentially have from this pregnancy. So, I will keep my new mantra in mind, and accept that right now, I am pregnant, right now, Grub is fine, and right now, it's ok to be happy about that.
........................................................................................
It's a few hours later, and look what's happening!
It's even brighter than Monday's...and it's not too clear on the photo, but it's actually a double...!
I am starting to think booking this week off work was a mistake. I booked it off in anticipation of a negative result and a need to hide from the world for a while. Lovely as it has been to have this time to "chill and relax" (ha ha) it has also given me far too much time to think, Google, and inevitably, worry. I did not expect the anxiety to begin this soon!
"I'll feel alright until about 21 weeks" I thought. Pfft! No dice. So I have summoned a new mantra, to be repeated ad nauseum for as long as is necessary for me to believe it:
Right now, everything is ok.
I've never been any good at all that live in the present, mindfulness stuff. Regular readers will remember I gave it a good go in the depths of my grief, the problem then was I was so miserable in the present that I really did not want to stay there! Now, it's time to give it another try. Because projecting worries about the possible future really isn't going to help me, and will just rob the joy that I can potentially have from this pregnancy. So, I will keep my new mantra in mind, and accept that right now, I am pregnant, right now, Grub is fine, and right now, it's ok to be happy about that.
........................................................................................
It's a few hours later, and look what's happening!
It's even brighter than Monday's...and it's not too clear on the photo, but it's actually a double...!
Is this real?
15th Jan
Are you in there Grub? Right now, it feels more like a possibility than a fact. It's so odd. We will be having an early scan in six days, when I'll be we think 6 weeks 6 days pregnant. If I am, we should be able to see a heartbeat! I think if that happens, then it may actually begin to sink in that our Rainbow is on their way. I still have this nagging fear that they'll do the scan and there won't be anything there.
It is so hard not being able to tell anybody yet, to share my fears and ask for prayer. I have actually had to lie to the face of four people so far who have asked me how treatment is going....I hate lying anyway. Having to do it whilst every nerve in my body is on edge and screaming "I'm pregnant and terrified it's going to go wrong, please help me!!" is just dreadful.
If, and I do mean, if, we see that beautiful heartbeat next week, then we have agreed we will tell family and close friends our news. It can't come soon enough. This is so hard to handle alone.
Are you in there Grub? Right now, it feels more like a possibility than a fact. It's so odd. We will be having an early scan in six days, when I'll be we think 6 weeks 6 days pregnant. If I am, we should be able to see a heartbeat! I think if that happens, then it may actually begin to sink in that our Rainbow is on their way. I still have this nagging fear that they'll do the scan and there won't be anything there.
It is so hard not being able to tell anybody yet, to share my fears and ask for prayer. I have actually had to lie to the face of four people so far who have asked me how treatment is going....I hate lying anyway. Having to do it whilst every nerve in my body is on edge and screaming "I'm pregnant and terrified it's going to go wrong, please help me!!" is just dreadful.
If, and I do mean, if, we see that beautiful heartbeat next week, then we have agreed we will tell family and close friends our news. It can't come soon enough. This is so hard to handle alone.
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