Yesterday I deliberately did not write, becuase I really hit rock bottom. I knew it wouldn't be an easy post to write, or to read so decided to leave it and wait and see how I felt today. I am glad to report that after a great night's sleep I feel 100% better today! I'll quickly run through yesterday becuase I want to chronicle everything as it is, the good and the bad.
It basically just all got to me. One of the paediatricians from SCBU came to see me, to talk me through what may happen and everything Grub may need to go through depending on their gestation when born. It's a bit scary. Ok, a lot scary. Whilst we have done the SCBU experience before, it is all such a blur and it ended suddenly, and badly. Vicky midwife also gave me a book from Tommy's called "having a premature baby". It was so thoughtful and being an information junkie I really appreciated it. But reading it makes it all real, that this is really happening, we are having a preemie again, and it's serious.
Later that day I could hear the bounty photographer next door showing the couple her photos of their newborn, and it just hit home that we won't have that. Now, I know this is a small thing, and actually we had already agreed we wouldn't cave in and buy those prints as we could get some just as good ourselves at home. That isn't the point though. To me it just represented what we aren't going to have, the normal delivery with immediate skin to skin and up to the postnatal ward, learning to breastfeed and hospital photos and visitors and balloons. No. My baby is going to be taken away from me after birth. The SCBU Dr and nurses will be waiting in the corner of my delivery room to take them. I will be left with all the hormones and no baby, again. If we are lucky and Grub is strong enough, they will let us see their face before they go, so we can see their features without all the wires. But we need to be prepared, they may be presented to us in a plastic bag (keeping them warm). We won't be able to hold them. They will update us as soon as baby is stable and bring us a photograph. We'll have 24-7 access to SCBU. All making a pants situation as good as possible. It's ok, I guess. As long as I at least get to see them. Hear their first cry. It is just hard to lay here day after day and hear new babies come up, visitors come, photos taken, go home. It's like a carousel at an airport and my case never comes. A torment of hearing what I desperately want but know I cannot have going on for all these other couples and their babies. Even in my own room there's no escaping it. At eye level as I use the loo are two information posters. One extolling the virtues of keeping your baby with you 24 hours a day to "get to know each other"; the other the importance of immediate and ongoing skin to skin. They may as well have put a picture of someone holding up two fingers and blowing a raspberry at me. I came so close to ripping them off the wall yesterday.
But today. Today I am 27+6. Tomorrow is 28 weeks! When I got admitted I never thought I would get this far. Nor, she now admits, did my consultant. She is thrilled with me and in her words this morning "30 weeks now feels achieveable" YES! That is what I needed to hear today. She also followed up with "but, even 28 is amazing and SO much better than 26" I love her. She asked when my next scan is so I said, 30 weeks. Infact, since I will need to go downstairs for that, do you think hubby could take me outside in a wheelchair then! "Oh yes I think we could let you do that!" Oh happy day! Roll on July 1st. Two weeks on Friday, 30+2. I joked that if I hit 32 weeks I'll be having a party, she said she'll be having a party with me! That feels a little too far ahead to contemplate. Four more weeks. But two more, to 30, that much my brain can handle. At 30 it hopefully wouldn't take too long in SCBU before I could do kangaroo care and hold my little one. And as someone who's been here said, just think of the stories you will be able to tell them when they are older! Oh yes, we will have plenty of those! Everyone gets a bounty photo. Only the special ones get the space station photos!